People Who Go To Work Sick!

Don’t sit next to me and ask me to forgive your sneezing. I’m too Canadian to move or say anything to you other than an inane, “Oh, that‘s alright. I hope you feel better soon.” Next week when you’re recovered and I’m getting sick don’t you dare laugh and say, “I hope you didn’t catch that from me?” Of course I did. So did half of the room, and so did untold thousands who touched the same door knob as you did or turned off the same tap. You inconsiderate plague monkey. Where do you think I caught it?

When you come to work unwell you make sane, sensible people who, when sick, would like to stay home and watch Oprah wrapped in their Cheetah skin Snuggies look bad. How can I not show up to work after you’ve infected me if you’ve soldiered on and gone when you were below par?

Don’t expect my sympathy, or concern. I may sound like I feel that way, but I don’t. Nobody does. Everyone wishes you would just go away until you’re better. Your attitude is the reason we had SARS and Swine Flu.

You’re the type of person who flies sick aren’t you? That moist re-circulating airplane air is the devil’s breading ground for death.  I always seem to sit next a kid with an inner ear infection, or someone with a mysterious ailment that makes them climb over me and go to the bathroom every twenty minutes.

If you make me sick I’m going to have to go to the doctor’s office. I hate going to the doctor’s office. God knows what I’ll catch. It’s the distribution point for deadly disease. I don’t even want to think about the upholstered seats at the dermatologist’s office. There should be a law against putting fabric seats in places where people go to get rashes treated. You can practically see the microorganisms squirming around just waiting for a new place to live.

Did you know that ulcers are caused by viruses? Who knows what else may be catching. It’s bad enough that we have to deal with the unknown plagues of the modern era without dealing with you cavalierly exposing everyone to your festering mass of microbes.

How do you know it’s just a cold anyway? Are you a doctor? For all you know you could be the next Typhoid Mary.  Don’t tell me that bullshit about it just being an allergy. I know better. Stay home; tea, toast, bath!

“AHCHEW! I wish I could stay home from work today. I don’t feel well.

“Do you mind if I sit here? Please forgive my sneezing. Don’t worry it’s just a cold.”